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Thursday, August 20, 2009

None of that Sissy Crap...

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this post. Just the stone cold truth of great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" You may ask... Because you are my friend! Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.

Cheers,
Cranky Blogger

A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying... "Damn, that was fun!"

PS: Is there anything making you cranky today? Speak up! The floor is yours!

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Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in an attractive, well-preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, champage in one hand, strawberries in the other, screaming, "WOOHOOOO!" What a ride!!!

Arraial do Cabo... Cabo Frio... It's not a place. It's a feeling!!!

Cranky Bloggers’ Acronyms Guide

BF = “Biatch” fit
DW2DWU = Don't want to deal with you
EM = Emotional moment
FO = F&%#$ off
HWD = Human warmth depravation
NAT = Not all there
PE = Physically enhanced
ROFLMAO = Rolling on floor, laughing my a$$ off
SAHM = Stay at home mom
SFAM = Sistah from another mistah (aka best friend)
SOB = Son of a “biatch”
SPOY = So proud of you
TNH = The Nut Hall
WAHM = Work at home mom
WAY = Who asked you?
WTF = (You all know that one)

+++ coming soon at a terminal near you!

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” Bob Marley

You know you’re screwed when…

If you've had a pulse long enough, I'm sure you've been screwed one time or another. So go ahead and send in your contribution. Maybe you can save someone else from being jipped. Can you complete this sentence: "You know you're screwed when..."

1 - ... you spent thousands of dollars on college education and you can't get a job. (Michaela - Florida)

2 - ... your water just got disconnected an hour ago, and the FPL guy is knocking on your door. (Angelo - Florida)

3 - ...you married a guy without checking the merchandise and discovered that Mr. Stiff is more like Mr. Soft Pinky. (ML - Brazil)

Eletric shock prank. Find out how tough your friend really is...

Hello! Welcome to the mental health hotline.

* If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
*If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
* If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
* If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
* If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
* If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
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